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Thought Eighteen

The Taboo Subject

The demands of the polite society I live in has given me hesitation in writing this thought. I have put it in and taken it out a couple of times. Maybe I wanted to avoid the heat I may get over this chapter. But my guiding voice tells me it must go in. I hear of to many problems people have by not pondering these realities before making life changing decisions. If I can save just a handful from making a poor decision, and the fruits it will bear, writing this thought will be worth any hassling I might get. I wrote this thought for the young, and for the parents of the young.

I see no moderation in the world on this subject. On one hand you can be stone to death, deemed an unworthy bride without exception, or feel a need to commit suicide after being violated over this subject. On the other hand you are told that Gods forgiveness is all encompassing, and that you must pretend the subject doesn’t trouble or effect you. And you are also told you are wrong not to forget about it, when your sense may be correct for the situation.

Many will read this thought and think it is stupid, and makes no sense. Not everyone is effected. But many more will read this thought and it will ring true, bringing clarity. The effects of this subject tend to fade with increased age and experience the two people have at the point when the relationship begins. The effects tend not to fade if a couple is unevenly yoked in such matters, and one is young and inexperienced when the relationship begins. This is nothing new to thoughtful parents. I base my conclusions on what people have told me.

A young woman gets married. Yet she did not save herself for her husband. She was truthful about her past, he still loves her, so they went ahead with the wedding. But as time went on her past experience troubles him more and more. He slowly becomes abusive. This marriage did not last long.

A middle age woman has been married for years. She has kids, and an abusive husband who is the father. She is a pleasant and agreeable type of woman. One day she tells me why he is abusive. She said she was taken advantage of and was no longer a virgin when she married. He was troubled by this even after she had his kids.

A young man lives with his girlfriend. He mentions the several girls he has experienced. He loves his girlfriend, yet says he is troubled by one thing. She had been with one guy before him. Where might this lead them?

Women are no different about their feelings in these issues, they just respond differently. They will love their man because he is nice and a good provider. But they will hold back the best of their love in the bedroom. She will feel disgust at his past and set out to covertly punish him, a punishment that may never end. She will have a constant headache that time of night, and he won't know he is being punished for his past. This could lead to holding back outside the bedroom as well, and he'll have no clue as why. A man knows when his woman is holding back, and this can lead to unrepairable damage to a marriage.

This issue becomes very complicated in a man and in a woman's heart. They may truly feel a deep love for their spouse, yet at the same time feel a deep disgust and jealousy over their spouses past. This creates a Jekel and Hyde effect, disturbing the peace in a heart and in a marriage.  (Many of the same feelings and reactions will result from cheating in an established relationship as well.)

Taking someone's virginity is a prized experience for many, which is sought after. I remember the guys bragging about being her first, and then how she now won't leave him alone. "She thinks she owns me now", as one guy put it.

A shower of attention and affection, and the appearance of a committed relationship will be offered in the quest to be the first. Often the offerings given in the quest evaporate once the prize is won, and a new prize is sought. The game is replayed until the player is snared by pregnancy or the clock runs out.

Drinking beer is not the first reason young guys have beer parties. If your a girl who gets drunk at parties, or alone with a guy friend, just expect something to happen eventually. And you may not know with who, and how many, from the stories I’ve heard. What a cheap price to pay for such a grand prize. It becomes a he said/ she said ending.

I've had several girls tell me how they were emotional shattered after losing their virginity in this way. I also had a male friend who was upset after losing his virginity in a casual way, although not as common. I had a writing partner in college English class write a whole assignment on how she lost her virginity in a casual way and the emotional journey she went through after. A guy friend got her drunk. It was a bitter cup for her, a story I’ve heard so many times.

I've had girls tell me they've waited several months with a boyfriend before giving up their virginity. After getting what he wanted the boyfriend was on his way on short order. All the girls were left distraught, as the deceptive offerings evaporated. Their trust was misplaced. I've seen girls just as patient to get the virgin guy.

It appears there is a strong emotional bond a girl / woman has with her first. When that emotion and love is not returned by her first it is very upsetting. Marriage is the safest place to put that bond.

Know the game before you are played, it will save you the pain. At least know your the prize at the end of a quest, and expect the offerings to evaporate.

And there are those who have had their innocence stolen from them. The laws governing such crimes in some places is wholly inadequate, considering the pain the victim suffers.

To the young, think before you chart your path. Ask yourself about what you want and what you can live with. Do you want to gamble your future marriage for attention and pleasure today? Do you risk a husband abusing you with jealous rage, or a wife covertly punishing in ways you can't imagine? Do you risk losing your dream spouse when they learn of your past? And yes, women dump guys over their past. Will you be a player today, and expect a virgin at the alter? Nothing is for free, and with an uneven yoke you will likely pay.

One must search their own heart, before marriage, about the types of things that will trouble them about a future spouses past. Many will not be troubled at all by these types of things, but the reality is that many will. Don't find out your heart after marriage, then blame and punish your spouse.

For those who have issues in their past. Do you glaze over the issue today, only to have it fester tomorrow once your married? Will you deceive to get what you want? Do you get angry when the subject comes up, and claim in self righteousness they are judging you, when the past is yours? The problem will still fester tomorrow if not resolved. Or are you honest and frank about your past when asked? Their heart will know when you are lying, and the problem will fester even more. Will you let that person go if you know they have a problem with your past? You must judge the situation correctly, or you may pay with abuse and punishment. Love is not enough for a good marriage, when matched with a jealousy and disgust against you.

For those who know they would have issues with a prospective spouses past. Do you not ask questions you don't want answers to, cause it may disturb the fairy tale your living? Then you abuse and punish after marriage when you find out. Do you ignore what troubles you, because it may disturb the fairy tale your living, and then leave abuse and punishment for later? Do you let fear take over, that they'll be angry you are judging them? It is their past, and yes, you should judge yourself if it is something you can happily live with. You will both pay the price later if not. Or do ask the right questions and expect frank answers on issues you know will trouble you? Will you let that person go if you know you have a problem with their past? Love is not enough for a good marriage, when matched with jealousy and disgust you have for your spouse.

It is not wrong to judge a potential spouse unworthy because of their past, if you know you won't get over it. You judge potentials unworthy because of looks, income ability, personality, family, and a list of other reasons. Many reasons of which they have no control over. There are many issues about a person you would never get over. The problem is you have to become more intimate to learn about a past. It becomes a much more personal rejection at that point. You may have already fallen in love, and now must tear your heart in two to reject someone you care about and move on.

The wise are cautious about falling in love before finding out something about a past, if they know they would have a problem with it. The girl or guy you really like may be waiting for you to hint your past before moving to the next level with you. And that relationship may go nowhere if you don't. The more eligible the catch, the more caution that may be shown. The poor catch may have no caution.

Love is built on trust, respect, dedication and many other ingredients. Jealousy and disgust are results from a lack of trust, respect, and a lack of belief that a person will be faithful and dedicated to you. There is also a very sexual side of purity and being the first. These are problems that won't easily go away.

Many have a steep indignation against someone who would judge unworthy to marry because of a past. This indignation will not cause the persons jealousy or insecurity about a relationship to go away. This indignation simply turns the fruits of the jealousy into covert operations and keeps this subject taboo. Many don't really know why they are being punished or abused, because this subject is taboo. Such indignation may lead a couple to a bad situation.

Indignation against judgment becomes appropriate after marriage, if all questions were answered honestly and frankly before the ceremony. Indignation against judgment becomes appropriate if you cannot offer what you expect.

It is very wrong to marry someone when you have a problem with their past. It is very wrong to not ask questions about things that may trouble you, then take it out on your spouse later. It is very wrong to lie about your past, when it will damage your marriage when found out. You will deserve the abuse and punishment. It is wrong not to let someone go, before marriage, if you know they have a problem with your past.

I think of the story I heard on the radio about newly weds. He dumped her on their wedding night when he learned of her past. I read a similar story in the newspaper that she dumped him on their wedding night when she learned his past. Some soul searching and heart to heart discussions could have saved the trouble and embarrassment. Most give it time to save themselves embarrassment. Sadly, little ones are brought into the problem before the dump is made.

Unfortunately many young people don't think about these things until after it is to late, until after they are stuck in a marriage with kids. And who ends up paying the greatest price for the mistake. The kids in divorced and abusive families. The innocent once again.

The old ways understood these things. A father would kill a man for taking the honor of his daughter. It was not a joke when a father polished his shot gun. He understood what his daughters purity could mean to the quality of her future.

The new ways think these things are old fashioned, prudish, and stupid. The new ways have produced increased divorces with no fathers around to polish their shotguns.

The higher intelligence's have given us instructions on such matters, not to control us or shame us, but because they know the fruits of all behaviors. To the young, think about the fruits of your behavior, as you chart your path.  Some things cannot be changed once they are done.

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Copyright © 2002 by Brian Bresee. All rights reserved. The text of this book may not be reproduced in any form whatsoever, whether by graphic, visual, electronic, filming microfilming, tape recording, or any other means, without the prior written permission of the author, except in the case of brief passages embodied in critical reviews and articles.